Ecology of relationships: John Gottman names four indicators by which one can tell whether a marital relationship has a future

© Julien Mauve

John Gottman has studied marriage and family issues for 40 years. A five-minute conversation is enough for him to predict with 91% accuracy whether the spouses will divorce. How does he determine this?

In his book, The Seven Principles for a Successful Marriage, Gottman names four indicators that can tell whether a marriage has a future:

1. Criticism. “Complaints and dissatisfaction are normal. Criticism is a more global phenomenon. This means attacking your partner's personality rather than what they do. He didn’t take out the trash not because he forgot, but because he’s such a bad person.”

2. Contempt. “Public insults, eye rolling, mockery, ridicule and mean jokes. Demonstration of contempt in any form is the most dangerous of the “horsemen of the apocalypse” of marital relationships, because it carries disgust. If you constantly demonstrate that your partner disgusts you, it is almost impossible to solve any problem.”

3. Defensive behavior. “Being defensive is one way to blame your partner. This can be expressed as: “The reason is not in me, but in you.” Defensive behavior only aggravates the conflict, which is why it is dangerous.”

4. Silence. “Stop talking. Build a “stone wall.” By staying silent, you are not just avoiding the conflict, you are killing the relationship, leaving it emotionally.”

Gottman's research has shown that it is not the difference in opinions and preferences of the spouses that destroys relationships. 69% of problems in a couple cannot be resolved. They are not going anywhere, despite the fact that many fight year after year, trying to change each other. More often, these conflicts are related to fundamental things: lifestyle, personality traits or values. Such quarrels are a waste of time and mental energy. What to do with what cannot be changed Accept as it is.

© Julien Mauve

Psychologist Dan Wyle wrote in his book After the Honeymoon: “When you choose a partner with whom you intend to live your life... you inevitably end up with a set of intractable problems that you will have to deal with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.”

And a few more interesting facts from John Gottman’s book:

“A bad marriage increases susceptibility to disease by about 35% and even shortens life by an average of four years.”
“In 96% of cases, in the first three minutes you can predict how a fifteen-minute conversation will end.”
“I have found that 94% of the time, a couple who has pleasant shared memories also has a happy future. If memories change and are distorted, this is an alarming signal.” published

Love, like many other feelings, has an expiration date. Unfortunately, few are lucky enough to experience love to the grave. It seems that everything is calm and good in life, but one morning, when you wake up, you clearly understand that there is a stranger next to you, that the relationship has reached a dead end - you need to leave, but you do not leave and torment both yourself and him. Why?

One of the common pretexts is habit. You are used to this person, you know what to expect from him, how to live with him and conduct a dialogue. But you can’t build a relationship on the ashes of past feelings. Don't look back - look to the future.

Women are afraid to go into the unknown, to a new man. There, beyond, it is not clear how relationships will begin to develop, there will be ups and downs, but here it may be lousy, but everything is clear in advance.

Women's biggest fear is the fear of loneliness. This applies to women at any age. Surprisingly, many representatives of the fairer sex cling to a man as their last hope, even if, apart from swearing and mutual claims, they have nothing else in common. Such relationships should definitely end quickly.

You need to learn to love yourself, part with unnecessary things and people, and raise your self-esteem to the proper level.

The desire to be the center of attention. All complexes stem from childhood. The girl, once disliked by her parents, compensates for her previous lack of care with her current hopeless relationship, giving the man groundless hopes of continuing the romance. Such girls need to be loved and adored by absolutely all men they know and don’t know.

Leave and never come back

You need to clearly realize and decide for yourself that you do not want the continuation and further development of the relationship. There is only one way out - to complete the novel completely without any reservations.

If you cannot understand yourself and your internal torment on your own, contact a psychologist, at whose appointment you can tell the reasons for your experiences. And he, in turn, will help you understand your feelings.

Keep a personal diary in which you can record all the emotions, feelings, and thoughts that come to you. After re-reading the notes with a fresh mind, you will probably understand what exactly you want.

When you decide to take such an important step, think about your partner. Such things cannot be said right away. Prepare for the conversation. Choose neutral territory - some small restaurant or cafe, a crowded place where you cannot give free rein to your feelings.

Try to explain to your chosen one as accurately as possible, calmly, without raising your voice, why your relationship has reached a dead end and you do not want it to continue. Put an end to it: dispel all doubts so that in the future the person does not bother you with calls and messages, feeding unfounded hopes.

Of course, after a breakup it is impossible to remain friends, but try not to lead the relationship to bitter enmity.

In order not to break down and not try to return everything, occupy the free time you have with something useful: sports, yoga, cooking or sewing courses, learning foreign languages. Soon, painful emotions will subside, and you will live a measured life.

Hello, dear friend and comrade-in-arms on the battlefields for women’s happiness. Women's happiness - what is it? Or in whom? “If only my darling were nearby! - and that says it all. But, as you know, we are from Venus, and these dear ones are from Mars. You can already see in your mind what color the wallpaper will be in the nursery, well, okay, what style the wedding dress will be. And this comrade from Mars does everything he can to collect his life portfolio of women’s hearts (let’s not lie, women’s figures) in order to present it to his friends at a fun drinking party...

Okay, this is a decent man, he doesn’t brag to his friends, but men also need to gain experience, we are involuntarily drawn to the confident and experienced, aren’t we? How often do we mistake falling in love for love, passion as a sign of a long future relationship, and we ourselves create the image of a prince from “what happened.” When entering into a relationship, it is difficult for an inexperienced and romantic girl to understand how it will develop in the future, will she be asked to get married? Or they'll screw you up and leave you. What can I say, experienced ladies, falling in love, lose their minds, honor, and panther instincts while hunting on the prairies.

Signs of a hopeless relationship

Of course, if you are not yet thinking about marriage - it’s too early, or it will interfere with your career, this article is not for you. But don't realize it's too late. And those women who are about to get married, of course, don’t want to waste time on “let’s just live together.” There are sure signs of a hopeless relationship that can be seen even through the blinders of falling in love:

1. He does not plan to introduce you to his mother and other relatives, and if you hint, he avoids answering. And if a man takes you home very quickly to introduce you to your mother, don’t go to the fortune teller, he saw his destiny in you and is very much in love. By the way, would you like to introduce your friend to your parents, colleagues and friends? If you are not sure, think about it.

2. He doesn’t talk about himself, his hobbies, or his work. At the same time, he doesn’t question you. Well, he’s not showing curiosity or something. About your profession, about your favorite vacation spots, hobbies, etc.

3. There is no common ground in your interests and views. Here you need to think about the prospects. The first passion fades over the years. And if you have nothing to talk about, no common interests, no outlook on life - those very critical 3rd, 7th years of marriage will be very critical. And vice versa, common interests help to overcome them. And then love, infused with respect and trust, becomes, like perennial wine, deeper and stronger over the years, and then the second wave of passion is just around the corner.

4. Disappears for a long time, and then calls. And you understand that he just needs sex. Or have a nice time and sex.

5. Even if you are hunting for a rich or famous person, you are going to marry him for convenience, then see point 3 - look for common interests and views on life, otherwise you will howl later. Yes, and don’t forget that a businessman is married to his business first and foremost, and then to you. But a creative person loves himself and his creativity, and then you. Think about it and choose.

6, He avoids spending money when you are together. Maybe he treats you like a fleeting vision. Or maybe he's just greedy.

7. He tries not to talk on the phone in front of you (during certain calls).

8, Think seriously if one of you is childfree, and the other dreams of children.

9. If you found out that he has been married many times, or regularly says nasty things about his ex-wives.

10. He is overly selfish in his desires.

But girls, there is our famous female intuition. Turn off your mind more often and trust her. “I feel that he doesn’t treat you seriously (badly),” your intuition told you, contrary to the facts. Just don’t frighten it (intuition) with your mind, listen!

John Gottman names four indicators by which you can tell whether a marital relationship has a future

John Gottman has studied marriage and family issues for 40 years. A five-minute conversation is enough for him to predict with 91% accuracy whether the spouses will divorce. How does he determine this?

In his book, The Seven Principles for a Successful Marriage, Gottman names four indicators that can tell whether a marriage has a future:

1. Criticism.

“Complaints and dissatisfaction are normal. Criticism is a more global phenomenon. This means attacking your partner's personality rather than what they do. He didn’t take out the trash not because he forgot, but because he’s such a bad person.”

2. Contempt.

“Public insults, eye rolling, mockery, ridicule and mean jokes. Demonstration of contempt in any form is the most dangerous of the “horsemen of the apocalypse” of marital relationships, because it carries disgust. If you constantly demonstrate that your partner disgusts you, it is almost impossible to solve any problem.”

3. Defensive behavior.

“Being defensive is one way to blame your partner. This can be expressed as: “The reason is not in me, but in you.” Defensive behavior only aggravates the conflict, which is why it is dangerous.”

4. Silence.

“Stop talking. Build a “stone wall.” By staying silent, you are not just avoiding the conflict, you are killing the relationship, leaving it emotionally.”

Gottman's research has shown that it is not the difference in opinions and preferences of the spouses that destroys relationships. 69% of problems in a couple cannot be resolved. They are not going anywhere, despite the fact that many fight year after year, trying to change each other. More often, these conflicts are related to fundamental things: lifestyle, personality traits or values. Such quarrels are a waste of time and mental energy. What to do with what cannot be changed Accept as it is.

Psychologist Dan Wyle wrote in his book After the Honeymoon: “When you choose a partner with whom you intend to live your life... you inevitably end up with a set of intractable problems that you will have to deal with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.”

And a few more interesting facts from John Gottman’s book:

“A bad marriage increases susceptibility to disease by about 35% and even shortens life by an average of four years.”

“In 96% of cases, in the first three minutes you can predict how a fifteen-minute conversation will end.”

“I have found that 94% of the time, a couple who has pleasant shared memories also has a happy future. If memories change and are distorted, this is a warning sign.”

Sooner or later, even the most ardent passion subsides, and the enthusiastic cooing of love is replaced by mutual claims and insight: and the partner is not at all as ideal as it seemed! Of course, in our time of total fascination with psychology, it is not news to anyone that living together requires a rather painful adjustment, and not a single couple has managed to do without quarrels... But sometimes relationships are so difficult that you involuntarily begin to catch yourself thinking: “ Is it worth continuing to fight for them? Haven’t they exhausted themselves?” By what signs can you understand that the game is not worth the candle?

There is nothing alarming about the fact that each partner requires his own personal space. It was at the beginning of the novel that you tried to use every free minute to make phone calls, and refused the opportunity to earn extra money for the sake of an extra date. Over time, a more or less stable balance must reign between being together and each person’s personal affairs. Psychologists even recommend that couples regularly spend some time apart so as not to tire of each other!

But when your loved one cancels meetings over and over again, citing being busy, or you yourself increasingly begin to understand that you would prefer to go shopping with your girlfriend instead of going to the movies for two, it’s time to think about it. Are you bored together? Have conversations become bland and “about nothing”? A serious reason to rethink relationships. Maybe they have already outlived their usefulness? Whatever one may say, communication with a loved one should give the soul a feeling of satisfaction. Is it a simple habit and fear that things will turn out even worse with the next partner that are keeping you together?

To be fair, it should be noted that there are complete introverts in this world, for whom one date once a week is not the collapse of a relationship, but its normal development. If you and your man both belong to the tribe of terry singles and this state of affairs suits both of you, there is no problem.

Indifference to the interests of the partner

The second point is indirectly related to the previous one. At first, there were plenty of topics for conversation - you got to know each other, shared stories from your life, talked endlessly about love... Time passed, and it turned out that there was not much in common between you. And this would not be a problem, but your loved one completely refuses to take your volunteering in an orphanage seriously, considering it the whim of a bored student. And you yourself, hand on heart, don’t give a damn about the airplane models that occupy all the free space in a young man’s apartment, and the smell of glue and paint sometimes just drives you crazy.

Different interests - no problem, indifference to each other - the end of the relationship

When we love a person, we sincerely try, if not to share, then at least to understand the hobbies of our other half. There is no need to completely change your interests and become a modeling ace! But you must remember the things that are significant for your partner. And about the cup he won as a child. And about the fact that the mysterious “resin and hardener” are extremely important things, and not vials with stinking rubbish. And about the extremely complex model that your guy is simply obliged to finish by May 1st. If you categorically do not want to remember all this, most likely, the person himself is also not interesting to you. And vice versa: if a guy is dismissive of his girlfriend’s hobbies, doesn’t remember what gender her pet is, and stubbornly takes his girlfriend to action movies, knowing that she likes comedies - alas, he doesn’t care too much about this romance either.

When the romance ended

Needless to say, when a relationship is already established, the number of spontaneously presented bouquets and sweet romantic surprises is rapidly decreasing. But it’s one thing to shrink and quite another to disappear. Remember the last time you received flowers, even meadow ones? If a sweetheart was traveling on business, saw a chamomile field, remembered you and did not regret 5 minutes and clean shoes to please his beloved with greetings from a sunny meadow, this indicates that he is not indifferent to you. If all the surprises came down to the usual bottle of perfume for March 8 and a standard bouquet for a birthday, what kind of concern can we talk about? And do you yourself often feel the desire to cook something special, give a disc with a new “shooter” for no reason, buy new underwear and arrange a stunning night for a young man?

Intolerance for shortcomings

At first, everything about our loved one seems perfect to us. With emotion, we collect ridiculous “roses” from socks from the floor by the bed and watch how a guy makes coffee in the morning, singing the same verse from the same hit. After a month it starts to get annoying. After two he gets angry. And six months later, a man’s ignoring a dirty laundry basket infuriates him, and the very first note of a disgusting song causes an unbearable desire to throw a coffee machine at its performer. In addition, the young man is mercilessly false, picks his teeth after eating and performs a dozen other actions that make you quietly go crazy.

There are no ideals among us, and what is happening is the usual process of that same “grinding in.” Singing in the morning and scattered socks is not such a big price to pay for the opportunity to be close to a loved one. But if you feel that you are unable to come to terms with a guy’s habits, and he doesn’t stop irritably poking you for the hair dryer that is always lying on the washing machine, most likely there is no real warmth between you and will not appear again.

Unpromising relationships in terms of intimacy

Mutual attraction is a significant component of family life

If sex doesn’t go smoothly for a “beginner” couple, it’s not a crime. Lovers who, from the first night, intuitively feel all the needs and tastes of each other, are found only on the pages of novels; in life, complete harmony in bed requires either colossal luck or time... Months fly by, and your sex life satisfies you less and less? The problem is obvious.

Someone will object that bed in a relationship between two loving people is by no means the most important thing. And he will be right. It all depends not on the existence of a problem, but on your desire to solve it. Having a frank conversation, you can always move the situation towards improvement - truly sexually incompatible couples do not meet very often. But if you don’t really want to try, and your partner simply sabotages all your attempts to improve this side of life, your further existence is unlikely to be harmonious.

Lack of trust, unwillingness to understand the partner

Does your partner constantly stage mini-productions at home in the spirit of Shakespeare’s Othello? Are you yourself inclined to suspect him of infidelity for no apparent reason? You most likely will not be able to build a healthy relationship in conditions of eternal suspicion. We trust a loved one - this is why he is valuable.

A separate indicator is your interest in other men. If, while in a relationship, you “look to the left” and subtly compare your companion with others, something is clearly wrong with your couple. Maybe it's time to let go of this person and find someone who can capture your attention completely?

Poor treatment is a bad sign!

If a man is rude, and a woman falls into the category of “bitches,” at the first wave of infatuation we tend to turn a blind eye to it. Every person lives with the hope that he will be able to re-educate his partner, and that out of love for him, he will definitely change and everyone will heal in perfect harmony... Alas, the history of such cases is almost unknown. A person can change himself if he so desires. If not, all attempts to appeal to conscience, surround with care, and show patience will only lead to a worsening of the situation. Are you being spat at, humiliated, or being rude? Either tolerate your betrothed the way you got him, or leave immediately.

A separate article is a man who raises his hand against his girlfriend. Here you need to break off relations without hesitation. And don’t try to cover up bruises with foundation and walk around in sunglasses in any weather in the hope that someday your loved one will come to his senses. Why, if everything suits him? The domestic brawler always has a submissive punching bag at hand, which will silently accept the owner’s bad mood and will not run to the police to remove the beating. With someone who likes to let their hands go, everything is clear, why do you need this? What about your possible children?

Frequent quarrels

In constant hassle you can earn neurosis, but not happiness

Misunderstandings and conflicts are an inevitable part of relationships, the only difference is their frequency and the reasons for disagreements. Someone will smash more than one set of dishes against the walls, and this only makes the marriage stronger. But if the “Madrid passions” are not for you, and the number of quarrels grows exponentially and reconciliation no longer brings relief, love has exhausted itself and it’s time to separate.

Lack of perspective

Answer honestly: can you imagine your couple a year from now? How about five? Ten years? Can you firmly say: yes, I want to have children with this person, we will go through life with him, he is the one I see as my reliable companion? Sometimes you try to imagine a possible future, and it becomes clear that, in fact, there is none.

Substitution of love

For two people to come together and try to get along side by side, mutual inclination is not a necessary condition. Some are afraid of loneliness, others do not want to miss out on a “positive” person suitable for the role of a spouse, others simply believe that it’s time for them to start a family and they need to hold on to the bird in their hands, if the crane is not caught... Let’s not argue, some couples manage to build a strong marriage and on mutual respect, especially when the rosy maximalism of youth is left behind. But you need to work no less on such relationships! Yes, and sympathy for each other must be present, otherwise you will not last long.

Only one of the partners works on the relationship

If you go out of your way to resolve conflicts, look for compromises, give in, try to revive extinguished passion and spin like a squirrel in a wheel, and your partner looks at it condescendingly and complacently and simply accepts the fruits of your efforts, run away from such an affair as fast as you can. Your “other half” is actually not at all interested in keeping you. Either you will break up anyway, wasting several priceless years on a hopeless egoist, or you will dance in front of him on your hind legs.

You feel like love has run its course

Actually, that says it all. If the partners have become strangers to each other, there is no point in trying to continue the relationship; it is better if it ends.

Video: The relationship has run its course. Is it time to leave?

If the mutual feeling has faded, and its place has been taken by eternal showdowns and indifference, you should not continue to torment each other. The time that will be spent on fruitless attempts to fan a burnt-out fire can be spent much more fruitfully - for example, on searching and establishing a relationship with truly “your” person. One caveat: don't cut from the shoulder. Think it over carefully, weigh your feelings to be sure that these are not temporary difficulties, depression or an attack of bad mood. And act according to the circumstances.

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